She is in my trunk
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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