I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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