He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
