Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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