chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
