I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize