Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
