Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
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