WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
