Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
