I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
