ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
this is an emotional support booty call
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
