Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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