He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
