Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
