my soul wont recognize me after tonight
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
