His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
