Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
