How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's blow job season.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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