I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I need moral support for this bender
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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