Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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