When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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