I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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