I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
