I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
