Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
