Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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