Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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