he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
