I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
