finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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