You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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