Your mouth is God's brothel.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
