my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
