I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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