Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
