Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
