So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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