Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
