I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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