Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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