So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
