Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
