Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My hand turned me down
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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