The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
