I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
