i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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