I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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