I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
