when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
