If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
