He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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