I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Randomize
