We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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