it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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