Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
